Thursday, October 2, 2014

A New Kind of Grief

I'm having a hard time getting my head around a new grief that has entered my life. With so much of our construction up in the air and living temporarily in a space that's not our own, it's hard to have time to myself to think because I'm constantly checking to make sure no one is hurt, missing, fighting, breaking something, or needs help in the bathroom!  When I do stop and think I get sad.  I am sad for the time I feel like I'm losing here with my kids because we can't completely relax and be ourselves.  I get sad because we're all so out of sorts that we do a lot more yellng and arguing than normal.  I want my kids to have happy days and happy memories and it feels a lot harder in this space and time to do that.  Yesterday Rachel said to me, "I know, I know, it will be better once we're in our own house."  I think that's become our family mantra.
I get sad for another reason, too, though.  I have such a hard time with the fact that I will not ever have another (planned) pregnancy.  Despite the heartburn and pelvic pain and breathlessness and fatigue, I really did love being pregnant.  I have to actually stop and recall memories of laying miserably in bed at night with a bottle of Tums at my side and a heating pad at my nether regions!  No matter how many times I remind myself of the pains of contractions, the epidural issues, and the physical recovery from childbirth, I still recall all four of my experiences in Labor and Delivery as some of the best times I've ever had!  There was a Euphoria there that you can't get anywhere else.  Everyone is rooting for you, everyone is happy, everyone wants to celebrate and wants what is best for you and the new life you're bringing into the world.  Allen and I got to be together as a team and even have conversations with each other.  It's weird to think we won't be playing in that arena as a team again.  Our babies are all here.  We have the most wonderful two daughters and two sons I could have ever asked for...they are beyond my wildest dreams of the most wonderful children in the world.   It's just strange to finally realize we really are complete.  This is our family.  I can't imagine trying to keep up with anybody else.  I think after 7 years of being pregnant or having a newborn, a strange adjustment period will be settling in.  I do think things happen for a reason, so I love the fact that our house will be new to all of us at the same time.  I find it weird that the minister who performed our wedding, all four of our children's baptisms, and my grandfather and father's funerals has decided to retire now  and yet it kind of makes sense when I look at where we are in life.  The circle of life continues to roll right along and we're moving to a new stage.  Baxter is nine months old today and hardly a baby any more.  Rachel is almost 7 and I so miss the days of her being a perfect baby every day.  I can't get back the days that I can't remember of Ford and Ruby as infants but I think we took some pictures :).  You can't stop time and you can't slow it down, so I need to do a better job of being present for the present.  When I get asked that same question over and over of "Why are you homeschooling?" Or the new one that pops up, "How long are you going to homeschool?"  I'm not going to have a problem answering any more.  It's because this is the one shot I get at this life.  This is the only time I get to be their Mama and I'm going to do it the best I can.  I'm not going to be the "Best Mom", but I'm going to be the best one I can be, so this is what we're going to do.  And I'm going to make a Fall Resolution to make today the best day and quit waiting for everything to be better once we have our house built.  It's coming, and it will be better, but today can be pretty good, too.  Good-bye Maternity Ward, Hello Ingram Family Farm!!

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